The Waiting Is the Hardest Part
it's been five weeks since i submitted my anthropic application.
five. weeks.
the waiting is slowly driving me insane.
the mental state
week 1: "they probably haven't even looked at it yet. no big deal."
week 2: "okay maybe they're reviewing now. don't check email too much."
week 3: "checking email four times per hour is normal, right?"
week 4: "they haven't rejected me yet! either that's good or they're just busy."
week 5: "i should prepare for both outcomes equally while also not thinking about it at all."
this is fine. i'm fine.
what i'm doing in the meantime
- working on my thesis (the actual priority)
- applying to other places (don't put all eggs in one basket)
- distracting myself with side projects
- writing this blog post instead of being productive
the uncertainty paradox
if they reject me, at least i'll know. closure.
the uncertainty is what kills you. schrödinger's application: simultaneously accepted and rejected until someone opens the email.
perspective
a friend reminded me: "most applications get rejected. that's normal. your worth isn't determined by any single company's hiring decision."
this is true and helpful and also i'm still checking email constantly.
what i tell myself
- i took the shot, and that matters
- the right opportunity will come, even if it's not this one
- rejection is information, not judgment
- worst case, i'm exactly where i was before, which is fine
i'm trying to actually believe these things. mixed success.
the productive approach
use the waiting time to get better. work on skills that make you a stronger candidate for whatever comes next.
whether or not this particular door opens, there will be other doors. make sure you're ready for them.
for now
back to thesis writing. the chapter won't write itself.
and definitely not checking email again for at least... immediately opens email tab
no new messages. of course.